birthday (not lengthy, but meaniingful)

birthday shoul be happy, i should say. but, will it be happy again if i knew all along that this will be the last celebration? my last post is all about a merry 18th birthday. but right now, it is not about my birthday. and most of all, it is not merry anymore. my life changed with something that i never expected to happen.  it is something very unexpected.I had a conflict between myself. and i realized that i ruined my life TWO YEARS ago. big mistake!

and now, guilt is hunting me.

Never be the same ^^

Today.. i declared freedom. Today, i felt love. Today, I'll never be the same.

 I woke up with smile and greatness, expecting not of anything. first thing that happened early today, i an argument with my brothers which happens usually. And again, I am late in my JEEP laboratory. "an hour late again Claribel?" A statement that I painfully here. But today, it's not the same. I opened quietly. but quietness didn't welcome me. instead, a synchronized HAPPY BIRTHDAY song cheered my cold skin from travelling. I hate listening to a birthday song for me. It makes me feel old, but, puts a smile inside my heart. Yes. It's my birthday. But today, it will never be                              the same. 

So much for those old fashioned Happy Birthday songs. Back to the real world where I have o face my make-up laboratory classes. The pity feeling when everyone in your class started to pack their bags and leave you and your lab room together. Somehow, i feel alone. Not like my ordinary days. I think loneliness is part of hose change. Because today, it will never be the same. I left alone in my room looking for someone to celebrate with. I thought of priorities first. My calculator! I left i in my brother and I have nothing o use in my statistics quiz later!! I picked up my phone and stared dialing his number. It's quite annoying to discover that your brother prioritizes his girlfriend more than you on your very special day! And to change my mood, I had lunch with my special someone, as planned. I can' be with him on my  celebration, so I decided o be with him at the very date of my birthday. An hour for lunch with him feels  empty. Again, it is no the same.

practice for our Afro-Asian lit play again.. Being a leader is quite tiring. My members were stupid and imaginative. At least they made me smile. But, it's sill not the same. "Andiyan na si maam!!!" My classmate shouted. "What? Weird. She's too early now huh.." Our instructor is always 30 mins late. And now, she is 15 mins early? Sounds different. It is not the same. I walked towards the room carrying my heavy school equipment carelessly. And within a reflex, they all shouted. ''Happy Birthday Clamor!!'' Cartolina with verses and pictures of mine, delicious fishballs with creamy mayo and spicy red sauce, flamed candles and sweet smiles of my dear classmates while singing the birthday song!! Everything feels so surprising, everything is not the same!! One by one they gave me 18 cute yellow flowers with matching hugs and kisses, and sweet letters from all of em. I didn't expect an effort like this! an occasion for a single person, made special by 25 more friends.. Is that how special I am?? :)) Tears keep running on my face. I can' help it.. I am really crying. Indeed, it is never the same. Lots and lots and lots and lots of surprises came after that, and this day marked my whole life. Indeed, it is never the same. Even how rude and ugly I described myself, others would really make something for you o make you feel your worth.. Indeed that today, IS NEVER THE SAME.. 

Because today is my day. Today.. i declared freedom. Today, i felt love. Today, and I'll never be the same.

 ^^my 18th birthday

an awkward feeling. ♥

hearts beating faster..

paces getting slower..

i actually don't know where the feeling comes?

but being nervous this time is a different thing..

                        

                       Today is January 18, 2012. tomorrow is my birthday.. my 18th birthday.. instead of being excited, nervousness reigns in my veins.. eighteen years of waiting for this moment. i remember the days when i was still young. i imagined every detail of the party that i can have for that event, every detail of my gown, every viand that will be served, and every guest that will come. having my gentleman escort near me, and the teary eyes of my mother staring. all of those were such a dream.. but today, at this very moment, i want those dreams to be dumped. i don't want parties, i don't want celebrations, i don't want anything. the word CORNY was on my mind. and it really is.. more than that, i am not yet ready for a legal age.. with commitments, responsibilities, and rules!!! rules rules rules.. how can i ever escape this moment. i am not getting any younger. and every tick-tock of my clock reminds me  of getting old. goodbye to all those baby cries.. goodbye to all those puppy love. i can't go home with splatters of mud in my face, or icings on my face. i am no longer a kid carrying my lunchbox and towels on my back. i am already a grown up.. TOMORROW, my world will change from the moment that the clock strike twelve.. God Bless me..

she

She meets your eyes like a loving child..

she hates strangers but smiles at them sometime.

she can get along with her stupid stories,

and comfort you with a dear ear..

she was once a weakling..

but she has a strong God.

she may be ugly,

but she has something in within.

she speaks like no one,

yet, words that come out never goes out of rhyme.

she is unworthy..

and she knows how to change it.

she's not a writer,

but she expresses.

she can be a friend.

and, a monster in the end.

 she loves music,

and goes really freak with it.

she loves photoshoots with budz

and laugh on it til dawn

posting it online,

 she never stops dreaming..

never stops imagining..

this words of describing are truly cliche.

but at least they gave a hint.

since words are not enough to describe her..

she, who owns this page.

she.. that reveals herself in front of you,

in this CLAMORing world..

SHE..

vampires? or lovers? who can hurt you most?

raindrops keeps on echoing in my ears. staring and listening to every detail of the wind, of the raindrop, and every footstep from nowhere. even my blood that flows down my veins.every beat of my heart, and every gasp of air..

i can't sleep!! it's like someone is staring while i sleep.. sudden pinches and pokes come from nowhere.. and worst, even bites penetrates me. like a vampire so pale.. a vampire's reddening eyes that stares, which captured millions and millions and millions of scenes.. those teeth that seems so watering. trying to hunt you with it's own sharpness.. can a vampire hurt me??  or can he love me more than a lover do? a lover that sucks you in the neck. an eyes of a vampire that have seen and dated millions and millions and millions of girls before you, a lover that has reddening eyes that stares because of lust? a lover that curses you when you are not around.. like sudden pinches and pokes come from nowhere.. and worst, even bites penetrates you.. 

HURTS YOU WITHIN..

Now tell me.. who can hurt you most?

A vampire?   or  a   lover?